What do you expect from your child?

After my night class today, I accompanied Nick to an Equal meeting.  Equal is a student organization for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, queer, questioning students and allies (GLBTQQA-the acronym keeps getting longer, I know!).  Nick has been talking with the assistant director for the Office of Diversity Initiatives at UCF about his dissertation project and we have a research project going thanks to him.  The project involves interviewing youth (UCF students for now) who have come out to their parents and were kicked out of the house as a result-("coming out homeless" is the tentative title).  As a result, Nick has been trying to get involved and become familiar with all the GLBTQQA groups on campus.  Hence, the meeting tonight.  I was interested in this meeting too because there would be a panel of parents of gay/lesbian children talking about how they coped with their child's "coming out".  We often hear stories of coming out but I have never heard the parent's perspective (after this I have lots of research questions- just fascinating!).

Anyhow, what motivated me to write a blog post about it are the feelings and thoughts that went through my mind as I heard these parents speak about their children.  One set of parents spoke about their son coming out 24 years ago and how different times were and how alone they felt.  They used a funny phrase, they said that when kids come out of the closet, their parents go in the closet.

Listening to the panel was an interesting experience and I cried a couple of times mainly because most, if not all, of the parents spoke about the expectations they had for their children and how their coming out did not fit those expectations.  This made me ask myself, what expectations do I have for Gavin? and will we be open enough to allow for freedom of self expression in whatever form that comes in?  I'm not talking about expecting a gay child (although for Nick and I this is not an "issue" at all) but of every little thought that we have about the future of our children.  Whether that is seeing them playing little league baseball, going to college, or getting married and having kids as most of the parents in the panel explained.  To be honest, I don't know at which point parents start constructing their child's lives.  At this point, I don't have any "pictures" of what Gavin's future will look like.  I certainly don't ever think about who he will date or what profession he will choose because I'm not there yet.  He's a baby and all I worry about is whether he is eating well, learning and being happy every day.  We do have the expectation that he will go to college but other than that I really haven't given much thought to anything else.

One mom told her story as follows.....her son called from college and after an hour on the phone mentioned that he was seeing someone and his name was Judd....that was his way of coming out.  She didn't know what to say so the conversation ended soon after that.  When her husband came home she told him, "Jesse called.... and he's dating someone....his name is Judd".  The dad thought for a second and responded, "We have to love him so much more now".      Cue my tears!  I cried because I thought- that's who I want my son to be.  I want Gavin to be the most understanding, loving, caring, tolerant person we can raise him to be and that is a daunting task.  We are committed to raising Gavin in an open environment where he can feel comfortable to talk to us about anything and know that we will never judge him.  

I cried as some of the other parents who were not accepting at first told their stories because it is difficult for me to see their perspective.  As they spoke, I could only think about the pain and agony that a son/daughter must feel to be afraid to be rejected by their own parents.  Those are the times when I realize my privilege, my "straight" privilege- the fact that I never have to question whether my parents or anyone else for that matter will accept me for who I am.  I don't have to hide my personal life, I don't have to worry about managing my "straight" identity, I can just act as me and know that people will accept me (generally speaking).  It just breaks my heart to think about the process of a young person wondering everyday whether to speak up, and if so, whether they will be accepted.  Every time Nick mentions his research interest, people ask why is he interested in the LGBTQQ community.  I'm sure most people assume that if you are researching GLBTQQ issues, then you must be gay/lesbian....(funny how if you study domestic violence people don't assume you are/were a victim or study homicide, they don't wonder whether you are a serial killer but for sexuality, one must be one to study one).  But experiences like these are the ones that drive us to be advocates for equality and drive us to bring awareness and educate others.  So, I guess that's why I felt compelled to write about this experience.  It may give some of you a different perspective even if it doesn't have the same impact as it had on me.