Day 1

July 1, 2008- Nick and I were carpooling b/c I was going to workout with my mom before going to work. On my way to my parents, I had my usual morning breakfast (Ensure) but since I was real hungry I chugged it. Right before going to the gym, I was feeling like I was going to barf from the shake (which is not unusual when I drink it all at once). I told my mom we should probably walk on the treadmill for a little while before starting our workout thinking this would make my stomach settle a bit- which it did.

I went to work just like normal. I was expecting my period to come anytime today. I got home at around 9pm and told Nick I was going to take a pregnancy test tonight. He said "why?" and I explained that there were no signs of my period coming (no cramps/bloating) and that was not normal for me. Around 10:30pm, we got ready for bed and I went to the bathroom looking for a 2 year old electronic pregnancy test I had saved (long story but it has to do with coming back from Japan). I found it in my cosmetic bag- no instructions, just the stick. I took the test and put it on top of the trash. Nick came back in the room and it was something like this:

Nick: Did you take it?
Me: Yes
Nick: So?
Me: I don't know, it's in the trash can
Nick: Do you want me to look?
Me: No, I'll do it
I opened the door to the toilet room and looked down at the trash can...
Me: walked out of the room saying "No, No, No, No, No"
Nick: What? walked in the room
Nick: Are you trying to be funny? Why are you saying No?
Me: I don't know

Neither of us said a word after that and we went to bed. Nick fell asleep. I didn't sleep at all. I kept my eyes closed but I don't think I ever crossed over to dreamland. I wasn't mad, scared, excited, or worried. I just wondered when it happened being that I thought I avoided it.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't as "unplanned" as I made it sound. I've been off the pill for almost 2 years. I've always said I wanted a Spring Baby so that means trying during June, July, and August. As a matter of fact, Nick and I had planned to start trying this June. So what's the problem?

1. I worry about finances and logistics ALL the time. With Nick starting his PhD in August and me becoming the "breadwinner" again, it was frightening to think that I'd be pregnant too.

2. I also worry about whether we could handle a child with special needs. You never know what could happen and a normal child is hard enough-I'm not sure how I would handle one w/special needs. Neither Nick nor I have a family history of any conditions but I worry- that's what I do because I always have to think of EVERY possible scenario before making a decision. This IS the most important/frightening decision of our lives.

3. For 2 years now I've had an internal battle on whether I should have a baby OR get a PhD. This is sort of how I ended up with a 2 year old pregnancy test in my bathroom cabinet. While all the other things were falling in place- moving into our house, having my parents in town, enjoying our jobs- I still couldn't figure out whether it was more convenient to have a baby now or 4 years from now when I'd hypothetically be done with the degree. Anyone that knows me also knows that I've always said I wanted an "oops" to happen because I never thought I'd be mentally capable of purposely getting pregnant because I could never feel like I'm emotionally, physically, financially ready to have a kid (although my job shows me that I'm more prepared than most). Having a baby definitely makes it harder for everything but not impossible.

A month ago, I had all the intentions of getting pregnant in the next 3 months. I visited the Dr, started reading, and started my daily vitamin intake. Then it was getting closer to the marked days on my calendar and I started doubting it AGAIN. When THE week came, I told Nick I wasn't sure about it. Being the supportive husband that he's always been, he said I'm ok with whatever you want to do. So, we avoided it for the so called fertile days. However, my body played a trick on me this month. I say I ovulated early while Nick believes it was late...we have a bet going that hopefully will be settled once I visit the Dr. One thing is for sure, I did not ovulate at the normal time and I'm not sure whether I changed my mind in time.