Day 12

Yesterday was disappointing. I went to a satellite office of Planned Parenthood and contrary to what the lady told me on the phone, the receptionist said they could only do a urine test. I could have a blood test done but the results would take 1 week. There would be no pelvic exam, no consult about the results, just another test. I didn't want to pee on the stick again, I wanted something else to confirm if I'm pregnant. I asked the receptionist if I could just talk to someone and have some questions answered. She said, "sorry, we do our options counseling at our other site"- I walked away. Nick saw that I was upset and he told the receptionist we didn't need options counseling- we had picked our option- I just needed someone to ask some general questions. She said if I took a urine test, I could talk to someone. By then I was so mad at her and her attitude that I walked away. I expected a more empathetic receptionist at Planned Parenthood given that they ONLY deal with sensitive situations at their clinics. I told Nick I'm thankful I know what I'm doing b/c that receptionist could've made me cry if I was in crisis. I am just going to wait until my scheduled Dr.'s appointment.

Last night was not the best night. It was my sister's 21st birthday and we had planned to go out downtown. I didn't feel like going out because I was really tired. I can barely stay up passed 10pm anymore-even when I didn't know. I also had to lie about why I couldn't drink. I borrowed a friend's ailment for this evening's lie and pretended like I had some kidney/bladder infection and was under strong medication and strict orders to not have any alcohol. My family believed it and they left me to be. Even though I haven't been nauseous much (only when I take my vitamins), I think the thought of not wanting to be nauseous in front of my family and ruin the surprise made me super nauseous this night. I struggled but I made it. I thought of telling my sister before we left in case everyone started pressuring me to drink but as soon as I told my mom she left it at that. The one thing I did overlook about going downtown was the cigarrette smoke. Luckily, we had our private room area that was a bit secluded from the rest of the club. I'm sure I still got my share of 2nd hand smoke even though it wasn't strong enough to give me a headache as it usually does. I thought of walking out but I didn't want anyone to suspect anything because I really didn't want to steal my sister's thunder on her birthday. I felt guilty. Guilty for putting the embryo's health at risk for the sake of a surprise. The only thing that made me feel better is that according to my calendar, the embyo's organs start forming today so I kept telling myself there wasn't much to affect (b/c there are no organs at this point). I know this is not true but I had to keep telling myself this to get through the night-hence, the guilt.

I'm very proud of myself for not freaking out this morning. I woke up and noticed that I had spotted. Just yesterday I was freaking out because I hadn't had any spotting and I thought that meant no implantation. I'm not freaking out about the spotting because 1. everyone I know who is or has been pregnant has had spotting (which is why I was freaking out about no spotting) and 2. I know that it wasn't caused by anything I've done. However, I will call the Dr. on Monday and see if he can squeeze me in before I leave on vacation. If not, I think I'll be fine as well. Whatever will be, will be and I can't change that. Whether I see the Dr. before or after vacation will not change the outcome so I'm not freaking out.