3 weeks + 3 days

I had a couple of emotional days this past weekend. I got a glimpse of mother's guilt. I was very upset over my decision to stop breastfeeding and strictly formula feed Gavin. This was a hard decision and a surprisingly emotional one. I felt like I was failing him as a mom. I was afraid that this would set a precedent for future decisions because the decision would make life more convenient for me. I don't want to make parenting decisions because they are convenient, I want what is best for Gavin. Therefore, I felt super guilty about this.
I know all the benefits of breastfeeding and I know that a few people will judge me for it. I judged myself. However, I believe an unhappy mom equals an unhappy baby. I realized that formula feeding would lead to a better relationship with Gavin and myself.
In hindsight, I made a few mistakes at the beginning that led to the difficulties in breastfeeding I experienced. Most of the mistakes stemmed from my lack of commitment to breastfeeding from the get go. I don't know that I had made up my mind on whether to breastfeed 100%. I believe that I mentally blocked my body from being able to breastfeed easily. I think because I stressed myself out worrying whether milk would actually come out, whether he would latch on right or cry incessively, it led to my inconsistent milk production. Before giving birth, I thought I would pump my breastmilk and that way it would be a win-win situation- Gavin would get the nutritional value but I could still have other people help w/feedings. However, pumping wasn't as easy or as convenient as I thought it would be. I had imagined milk flowing freely but it didn't. In addition, I wasn't eating or drinking enough so that may have had some effect on the process as well.
So after taking everything into consideration I chose to formula-feed. It has been 3 days and we both are doing much better. I am finally able to feed him on demand as he is supposed to be fed. I don't stress out at all and I'm enjoying the feedings b/c he doesn't cry anymore. I didn't see how we were going to "bond" if he was crying uncontrollably and I was frustrated. I feel better about my decision after seeing how much better the relationship is now. One of the bad things about formula is that it makes his poop stink. I can actually say that "my poop don't stink!" b/c breastmilk poop did not stink at all.
I will say that on Monday I was about to call my doc to have my boobs cut off! They hurt SOOOO much. I thought there was something seriously wrong because I tried to pump and very little milk came out but they felt like rocks so I knew they were full. I slept with a heating pad on them and took a lot of hot showers. It was only bad for one day. Now they feel ok. I'm not sure how long it takes for them to dry up. I still get sad when I think about them drying up- even though they've been a pain in the butt everyday since giving birth. I am looking forward to having my regular size boobs back- maybe smaller! I realize that by not breastfeeding, I'm also giving up my free 500 calorie burn/day workout. I had lost 14 lbs as of Gavin's ped appt last week (2 weeks post-partum). This means that I have to lose another 26 lbs to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight. The good thing is that now that I'm not breastfeeding, I've actually had time to workout. I feel better about myself now that I'm doing mini workouts everyday.

If we do decide to have another child, I will do things differently and I will attempt to breastfeed again. I've learned a lot from this experience.